i want to sleep with you again.

went raving with katie, megan,  olly, chris, jim jam,dan and seb. Chris kept looking at me when we were dancing and smiling this cocky half smile.   he talked to other girls but never for too long and stared over when i talked to other boys. we danced together a little. back at plumpton he kept meeting my eye and smiling, winking, talking about sweets drugs sex and peggle. he’s beautiful and mischievous. he sat in the back of the van so me and katie could have a lift back (grudgingly) nd after she got out he sat next to me with his right leg pressed up against my left leg and i had filthy dirty thoughts about him.

i really like him, im gunna tell him.
when i got out the van he jumped out to let me out and took his hat off and his red hair looked so bright in the sunshine.

i think you oughta forget it sista

but,… HE’S SO PRETTY!

Ive finished uni. im leaving again to a brand new town far far away. tonight im 50% going to a rave where chris is gunna be. he’s so pretty. i outgta forget it. dammit,.

my bestfriend and i have spent everyday together for a few weeks.

i see a lot of people as i make the rounds

and i hear your name

here and there

as i go from town to town

and i’ve never gotten used to it

i’ve just learned to turn it off

either i’m too sensitive

or else i’m gettin soft

x

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT

ok i didn’t sleep cos i was thinking about chris AGAIN. wtf?!

i think i need to talk to him. but i don’t know how. i don’t know if i’ll ever see him again.

i saw jim in tescos yesterday. i felt a bit shit about it cos we ignored each other. i curled up in the foetal position and listening to in macdonalds by burial and text him saying

‘have we fallen out?x’

‘no, why?’

‘long time no talk. are you okay?’

‘yeah, i’m good thanks, how have you been?’

‘yeah i’m really good been doing loads of art and stuff.’

but then i didnt think about him at all i thought about chris. ALL NIGHT. and now it’s 9.57. and i havent slept. same as last week.

i thought about when we shared a bed and it was like a big world. and when i freaked out and covered my face in my arms and he was all ‘please don’t regret i’ve had such a nice time with you’ and how i made myself sound so bad in the morning trying to push him away to see if he liked me. i guess he did and i made him not. i wish i’d said not

‘i dont really want anything from you’

but

‘i really like you.’

kissing for ages and ages it felt like falling in love.
how much have i written about this boy!? how many drawings have i done of him. love letters i guess it all is, shit he’ll never see. anyway. it means nothing because he’s vanished off the face of the earth. and i’ll never see him again.

EUDSHNFJDSHFHGUTYEND

the colors and the kids

ive given up smoking, im trying to give up drinking and drugs. i woulda thought smoking would be harder but it’s not. i didnt sleep last night cos i was thinking about chris which is wierd. maybe as i give stuff up i’ll have to emotionallyfigure out everything ive blocked out with substances.. i fell out with alex today i deleted him on facebook and everything he says he doesnt want to hang out with me because i’m too awkward. i hate that. he got on my nerves but i liked him. i just worried cos he only ever saw me when i was drunk and on drugs, and i wanted him to meet me when im sober but he says im too annoying to hang out with. i feel a bit shit about that.

aint gonna meddle with medlyn no more………………!

ive been drawing constantly, my first and truest addiction. last night i drew a picture of when me and chris sat in the garden one hungover saturday morning playing catch with an orange. i thought about calling it an orange for arnold but i dont want anyone to look at my sketchbook and be like haha you love him.

i went to see my bestfriend the other week. i love her. we drank too much together and it shook me up, it frightened me to my core the way we plough through bottles of vodka irrespective of possession, health or the fact that it’s 7am. so im not getting drunk no more… i dont want to grow up to be an adult whose only coping mechanism is to mash up. so i guess thats why im feeling sad about chris, and i guess other feelings might flood through. when i go travelling with katie; i think it’s rather dependant on how dependant we are on alcohol at the time. i dont want some drunken blur dangerous violatile adventure i want to have a good time. i think i’ll be fine, i wish she was here so i could take care of her too.

jim jim jim jim. i give up on you. either you love your girlfriend or you dont but you definately don’t love me. i dont know if i love you, to be honest. i mean i do and i always will; but, i dont know if i’m IN there anymore you know – not with someone who plays with my heart like a toy you know. and i just dont know how well did i ever know you, maybe you laugh at me behind my back – i’ve always kinda thought you do. still i miss you and i havent met anyone else STILL that i can talk to and care for. i dont really want to still deep down, i just want you to come back and to get my teendreamsuperloveWONDERBOY, nevermind.

i’m going to listen to cat power – the colors and the kids, and think about people i miss.

HOW TO DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY

LISTEN TO ME

NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME

NO, YOU, LISTEN, TO, ME

what is wrong with me?
i say you have that apologetic fucking smile on your face

i mean when you look that vulnerable i love you so much worse and it makes me so vunerable and i hate you for it cos i dont even know if you love me at all anymore

all i can ask you is do you really care about and you say, yes, yes, yes

but then i tear you apart with digs and jabs, attack attack defence

and you definately don’t care for me now

and what do i do, bombard you with sorrys and i love yous

i dont know

i dont know

i dont fucking know

reckless, self destructive, cheap, empty. i’m in love someone elses boyfriend, he plays with my feelings, i sleep with people i dont like

i went for a walk in the snow, since then i’ve felt whole, sure and pure.

no more of that shit

eurgh bad move

i slept with credence, it was passionate sad and horrible, i scratched him hard, he put his hands round my neck, then we slowed right down and got so soppy and sa
he walked me to the station normally we’d make plans to seeeach other again, but i just said see ya later he said i’ll call you sometimes

all we did was argue and get upset and make each other nearly cry a lot. it was hateful, i feel fond of him but im so easily emoted by big blue eyes and sexy bodies, i said to him

you break my heart

its not fair

why does the boy who cooks me dinner, is gorgeous, brings me breakfast in bed, makes me laugh, thinks im sexy, why arent we together why dont we have any desiree to be together

why do i only ever want to go out with twats who dont like me.

fucks sakes there is so much wrong with me or maybe not but i sat at the train station feeling like a high class prostitute.

dissertation

 

leon golub

fuck you credence

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